Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Balance

I've finished reading Chapter Four, and I just looked through the notes I made in the margins. Over and over, what I wrote had something to do with "just doing it". Just write, even if you're feeling insecure, busy, amateur-ish, hopeless, whatever. "OK, God, you take care of the quality, I will take care of the quantity." Julia Cameron says this earlier in the book, but it was nice to see it again. I also like how she tries to see her writer as "an emotional child". She tries to protect her writerly self so as not to get discouraged.

Another strand I've noticed throughout this chapter is, like Chapter One, about optimism. Cameron describes a converation she overhears, in which two people are complaining that they're not getting a "real spring". How easy it is to be ungrateful, to be a complainer. I really admire the people in my life who aren't pessimistic, and I aspire every day to be less so. I think I've let my job get to me. I bring it home, I brood on it, I care about my students deeply and will go on tirades because things aren't always perfect for them.... Then, BIG SURPRISE, this seeps into my personal life, my writer's life. And then I don't get a damn thing done.

I am frustrated with myself right now because I know my mistakes. I know what I need to change, but for some reason I have not yet summoned the energy, the strength. So often lately I feel like a weak person, and I am not accustomed to this. I used to be a woman who knew exactly what she wanted and didn't really compromise. Now, I have a lot less trouble speaking up on my own behalf, or on others', but I probably don't do it enough. In my own life, I have not said "Enough is enough" and done what I need to do to be back on a positive track. I can say I am doing a good thing by being a teacher, and I know I do good things, but really....I need to uncover my sense of balance really soon.

3 comments:

Leah said...

sounds like you're well on your way to that sense of balance, laura!! ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

This post is the post of a strong woman. :)

Ang said...

I completely agree...keep going!